Spanking? 打小孩這件事...

So, I know the last few entries have all been kind of serious, but I really wanted to write about something that my friend and I were talking about the other day.   I promise I'll try not to write too much. 

我知道前幾篇文章都有點嚴肅，看來今天還是要繼續嚴肅一下，因為我真的很想分享幾天前我跟我朋友討論到的話題。

我承諾，絕對不會囉囉嗦嗦寫一堆….

My friend asked me my opinion on spanking children.  Now remember, this is just my opinion.  It is not advice and it isn't even a suggestion.  I don't know if there is a "right" way when it comes to discipline.  This is only what I think.

我朋友問我對打小孩這件事的看法。請記住，我在這裡分享的只是我的看法，它不是甚麼忠告，甚至連建議都談不上。

我不知道在管教小孩這件事上有沒有標準答案，這些只是我的想法。

I had to think for a minute, but I told her that in my opinion, spanking is okay.  I kind of surprised myself because I never thought I would be okay with spanking.

當我朋友問我這個問題時，我停下來想了一下…

我告訴她，打孩子是ok的。

其實當我給出這個答案時，我自己也嚇了一跳，因為我從來都不認為打小孩是一件對的事。

But before we start assuming that I am okay with abuse, let me explain myself.

不過現在，在你以為我贊成”凌虐”小孩之前，請讓我先解釋一下。

I feel there is a very important need to classify discipline.  What I mean by 'classify' is I think a child needs to be able to differentiate the severity of the mistake they just made that deserved discipline. Of course we are the ones who control that.  This sounds a little confusing, I know.  I'll give you an example by illustrating two situation, so you will understand what I mean.

我覺得將處罰”分類”是一件非常重要的事。

這裡所謂”分類”意思是我覺得孩子必須學習了解如何由他們所犯錯誤之嚴重性，來區分他們需要得到何種處罰。

當然決定給出何種程度的處罰權利還是操在我們這些大人手中。

聽起來有點兒一頭霧水吧!

讓我舉個例子，描述兩種情況，大家就能知道我在說甚麼了。

1.   When Malakai was about one and a half years old, he tried to throw his cup onto the floor while we were eating.  When he threw his cup down, I took his cup away and said sternly, "No, keep the cup on your table.  This cup is used for drinking, not playing.  I will not give you another one if you throw the cup." I always gave him a chance to obey, and gave it back.  When he did it again because he thought it was funny, I left it on the floor.  If he whined or cried, I ignored it.  I talked to him after he finished "fussing" and told him that we need to keep cups on the table. 

在凱凱一歲半的時候，他嘗試在吃飯時把杯子丟到地上。

當他丟的時候，我很嚴肅的把他的杯子拿開並告訴他”不可以，杯子要放在桌上。這個杯子是給你喝東西用，不是拿來玩的。如果你丟在地上，我不會拿另一個杯子給你”。

我試著先給他機會去服從，然後把杯子還給他。

但是當他覺得有趣又把杯子往地上丟的時候，我就會讓杯子留在地上。

如果他哭或吵著要杯子，我則一概相應不理。

等他鬧過之後，我再次告訴他”我們需要把杯子放在桌子上”。

(不過這個狀況發生在公共場所的話，我會有不一樣的處理方式。)

2. At that same age, one time when we were getting into the car after eating in a restaurant, Malakai ran out onto the street.  I yelled and ran after him, and luckily there were no cars.  I immediately grabbed him, flicked his ear, and yelled "No!  Do NOT run out on the street!  You need to stay by mom and dad.  Cars may not see you and you could have gotten hurt!"  After that I held him (because he usually cried when he flicked his ear) and told him I loved him, and I didn't mean to hurt him, but told him we need to be extra careful when we are around cars.

同樣的在他一歲半左右，有一次我們從餐廳出來正要上車的時候，凱凱忽然往馬路上跑。我邊大叫邊在後面追他，還好當時馬路上沒有車子經過。

我立刻把他抓起來，用手指彈他的耳朵並大聲斥責他"絕對不可以跑到馬路上!你必須跟在爸爸媽媽身邊，開車的人可能看不到你，你可能會被車子撞到”

說完之後，我抱起他(因為每次我們彈他的耳朵他都會哭)，告訴他我愛他，我不想弄傷他，但是再次告訴他”有車的地方我們要特別特別小心”。

(NOTE: When he was younger we flicked his ear instead of spank him, because he couldn't imitate the action)
(註:凱凱小的時候我們用彈他的耳朵代替打屁股，因為他無法模仿這個動作)

 Now those are two very different situations.  One was just a a cup falling down, and a potential mess, but the second situation could have been a life-or-death situation.  I wanted Malakai to understand that there are different levels of severity when it comes to his actions.

 

這兩個是非常不同的情況。一個只是丟杯子，可能會造成一些髒亂的問題。但是第二個情況就可能是生，死的問題了。

我希望凱凱了解他的行為是有不同嚴重性的。

I feel that if we yell or spank at EVERYTHING that they do wrong, then they will stop listening and stop caring.  In fact, I think that it almost damages a relationship because I feel the child will start to feel like their parent is always angry, or doesn't love them.  They might even develop a fear that can inhibit a really healthy relationship.  I don't know for sure but I can see a child feeling like they can do nothing right, which not only builds a wall between parent and child, but also may start to create self-esteem issues in the future.

 

我覺得如果孩子做的每一件錯事我們都嚴厲的打罵，孩子會漸漸養成不聽與不在乎的習慣。事實上我覺得這是會傷害親子關係的。因為孩子會覺得父母永遠是生氣的，或父母根本不愛他。在他們的心裡甚至會產生出恐懼，壓抑一個健康的親子關係。雖然我不是很確定，但是我可以想像這種狀況不只會讓孩子覺得自己做甚麼都不對，也會在父母與孩子之間築起一座高牆，甚至會影響到孩子將來的自信心。

I don't have any teenagers, and it's been a good 10 years or so since I have been one, but I feel it's the same way with teenagers.  If a teenager gets home 3 minutes late one night, and receives the same reaction from their parents as if they had used illegal drugs with their friends, then they start to tune everything out.   Teenagers have the desire to feel independent and grown up, but they can do that in a healthy way, with you in the picture.  But constantly yelling because of every little thing they do (why are you wasting money? why aren't you studying?  you are going to regret this) only pushes them away from you.  Discipline and setting rules is very important with teenagers, but like I said before about levels, they need to understand that some things are more severe than others but that you are actually paying attention to their lives, and care about them.

我沒有青春期的孩子，也離開青少年期10年以上了。但是我覺得對青少年也是一樣。如果一個青少年的孩子某天晚上比父母規定的時間晚了3分鐘回家，但是接受到的責罵程度跟他吸了毒一樣，他們就會將父母的話當耳邊風。

青少年渴望感受獨立並自認為成熟，這是可以用一個健康的方式達成的。

而且你，當父母的，也有機會參予其中。

但是常常因為小事而斥責孩子的父母(你怎麼這麼浪費…?怎麼還不去讀書….?你以後一定會後悔)，只會把孩子往外推。

對青少年的孩子而言，教導及制定規矩是很重要的。但是就像我剛剛說的，孩子必須了解錯誤是有不同程度的，我們給出的處罰也是不同的。

這樣比較細膩的教導及帶領孩子走人生路，孩子可以感受到父母的關心與愛。

We have a great responsibility on our hands to teach them, but we also have a great responsibility hands to nurture them and love them.  While we want to see them grow and learn and succeed in family and careers, our relationships with them are the keys to their emotional and social success. 

對孩子，我們有艱鉅的責任去教導，但同時我們也有責任去滋養和愛。

如果我們希望看到自己的孩子將來有成功的家庭和事業…

那麼，這個關鍵就在我們與孩子的親子關係是否能幫助他們日後有成熟的心智，情緒和社交能力。

Yup, I wrote too much again.  Sorry.

沒錯，又囉嗦多了。

抱歉啦!